After some time, his mind started to spin everything around... he was in a really good, but also autodestructive mood. All mamories from the past were showering him with a power of reality like never before.
It was one of the strangest experiences human could get through, but only the ones whose glass bodies were cracked... was able to understand what it means. When memories.. one by one, gets through you and makes you feel like you're in them once again but in reality.. like you're living them for the second or X time. And it is really rare that this moments are the happy ones... mostly we live through the bad ones, all over again, because our insecurities are like small engines and this memories are the fuel.
Dim lights of the lanterns.. sound of water meeting the riverside.. sounds of passing cars in the distance.. and the wind not so strong, but for the state he was in now.. the wind was definitely too strong. He though.. through all the spins.. that it would be extremely nice to sit near water and hear the sound of river as close as possible. At all his thoughts he was laughing like crazy under his nose... because everything in his mind sounded absurdly.
- Yeaaa.. go to her friends, you know where usually they meet.. you can go... ask them where she is... and talk to her? Can you? Or can you not... - he stared at the rocks he was standing on.. and even if he couldn't think really clearly right now, he knew it's weird that he didn't flipped from them yet. He challenged the death fate for a duel...
"Why can't you finish this on time?"
one jump.
"Why the hell can't you focus on your task?"
another one..
"Why can't you do your part properly?"
the third jump, hardly staying on the surface..
"Are you a professional or not?"
the fourth jump, made him slip and get hit on the back... he rolled with pain, half wet but he stood up and choosed to go on the other part of rocks, harldy breathing..
"I thought you're a genius?"
fifth jump .. he never cried, but this time... he felt like everything was crashing to fast. It was this moment of life, when you no longer feel like you have time for anything you want to do... the pressure from all sides, was making him squished... pomping out all his regrets and frustration.. under the form of tears.. it was the part of how he felt everyday from a while. His guts were squeezed... making him feel sick and throwing out like each time, he thought about music.. her.. his job.. his brothers..
"Is this all a joke for you?"
it was supposed to help, but was making him feel even worse... all this damn jokes.. he thought.. that..
"It's nothin original... do it once again.."
he bent to pick up the stone he stand and almost flipped on, and threw him in the water. After each jump he was sipping his friend consistency... and after the last one drop... the game was over..
All this voices raced through his mind... made him feel the rage inside his chest and astringent strength in the hands. When the last drop landed on his tongue, the whole game was brought to it's end. Furious that even this small pleasure choosed to betray him, he threw away the bottle, realizing just a second later that along with the shoot... he was falling too.
Going through the cold water surface... made his body shiver, even if he would try to move.. he felt like all parts of his bodie was blocked. He thought for a second...
"Maybe it's better... like that...? People after all.. like tragedies..."
Tragedies... the last time he saw his best friend it was before beginning his trainee days, after they argued he walked away and before disappearing in the corner of the street he shouted frustrated..
"People love tragedies... if someday in the radio or programm you'll tell them how our friendship ended, they will love you like a god" he took his time to take a breath and control his anger "Use this to become even greater than you are now... your new friends will like it" each word was like an arrow filled with betrayal, pain and sadness, he overcome it after a long time, however...
He couldn't afford to move his hands... at the beginning instinctively he moved his legs, but then everything slowed down... his heart rate too.. then he remembered how once in his childhood he heard the storie about an old man who drowned in the pond.. this man in his young age was a swimmer.. he was drunk back then.. this is why he drowned. All his senses were slower... this was happening to him too.
And then... the funniest question came to him..
"Am I.. the lost one?"
As a human you're more than lost.
But somehow you can keep up with life... but this existence is empty, you're nothing more than a lifeless body floating on the surface of this world. You can just talk .. breath.. but this everything is without feeling and without any direction. You do this all automatically.. because you see everyone around you is acting like this.... you attach on your face a mask with the expression everyone would not be worried about and just ignores you.
He now understood what was leading people to suicidal... the calm feeling, that comes closer and closer to your heart... it was really fine with him, he used to always say that he does not care. In the last moment of his breath... he regreted just one thing. Just one.
The ground was hard. When he moved his hand he heard the rustle of paper... slowly tried to get up, but his bodie was heavier than he expected. The spinning feeling in his head was lighter, but it didn't meant that it was easier for him to focus... uneasy feeling come through his spine. If while living, some memories from the past felt like real ones... this place could be as well the place you go after death. All he remembered from before, was just cold water...
He looked around from the lying position. White light struck his eyes, the whole place he was in seemed to be a room, black and white.. the windows where covered by black curtains. Big bed whith white and grey satin sheets made a comforting rumor under him... he took a deep breath.. certainly he was still dreaming, because he was sure that neither hell or heaven looked like this. Or maybe... everything that was after... was in the shape of something you desired? He carefully raised his hand, like he wanted to touch the ceiling... a warm feeling spilled over his body. He felt calm... so his conclusion was that he entered or one of two or the purgatory, that was supposed to clear him. But does he really bealived in any of this three? His sarcastic humor didn't disappeard even here...
He decided to lift his body with all force, once he did this... he felt worse.. but he raised his eyes to one of the furniture standing in front of the bed. Something that was hanging above the furniture, was covered with a red clothe... he looked down at the photo tilted on the chair.. and his eyes widened.
*The picture does not belong to me. I just edited it a bit in order to illustrate a scene from the chapter.
I hope you'll like it ! :3
Leave something nice behind you <3
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