IT WAS NOT ENOUGH... Chapter 6 - Him

After some time, his mind started to spin everything around... he was in a really good, but also autodestructive mood. All mamories from the past were showering him with a power of reality like never before. 

It was one of the strangest experiences human could get through, but only the ones whose glass bodies were cracked... was able to understand what it means. When memories.. one by one, gets through you and makes you feel like you're in them once again but in reality.. like you're living them for the second or X time. And it is really rare that this moments are the happy ones... mostly we live through the bad ones, all over again, because our insecurities are like small engines and this memories are the fuel. 

Dim lights of the lanterns.. sound of water meeting the riverside.. sounds of passing cars in the distance.. and the wind not so strong, but for the state he was in now.. the wind was definitely too strong. He though.. through all the spins.. that it would be extremely nice to sit near water and hear the sound of river as close as possible. At all his thoughts he was laughing like crazy under his nose... because everything in his mind sounded absurdly. 
- Yeaaa.. go to her friends, you know where usually they meet.. you can go... ask them where she is... and talk to her? Can you? Or can you not... - he stared at the rocks he was standing on.. and even if he couldn't think really clearly right now, he knew it's weird that he didn't flipped from them yet. He challenged the death fate for a duel... 

"Why can't you finish this on time?"
one jump.

"Why the hell can't you focus on your task?"
another one..

"Why can't you do your part properly?" 
the third jump, hardly staying on the surface..

"Are you a professional or not?" 
the fourth jump, made him slip and get hit on the back... he rolled with pain, half wet but he stood up and choosed to go on the other part of rocks, harldy breathing..

"I thought you're a genius?" 
fifth jump .. he never cried, but this time... he felt like everything was crashing to fast. It was this moment of life, when you no longer feel like you have time for anything you want to do... the pressure from all sides, was making him squished... pomping out all his regrets and frustration.. under the form of tears.. it was the part of how he felt everyday from a while. His guts were squeezed... making him feel sick and throwing out like each time, he thought about music.. her.. his job.. his brothers.. 

"Is this all a joke for you?"
it was supposed to help, but was making him feel even worse... all this damn jokes.. he thought.. that.. 

"It's nothin original... do it once again.."
he bent to pick up the stone he stand and almost flipped on, and threw him in the water. After each jump he was sipping his friend consistency... and after the last one drop... the game was over..

All this voices raced through his mind... made him feel the rage inside his chest and astringent strength in the hands. When the last drop landed on his tongue, the whole game was brought to it's end. Furious that even this small pleasure choosed to betray him, he threw away the bottle, realizing just a second later that along with the shoot... he was falling too. 


Going through the cold water surface... made his body shiver, even if he would try to move.. he felt like all parts of his bodie was blocked. He thought for a second... 

"Maybe it's better... like that...? People after all.. like tragedies..." 

Tragedies... the last time he saw his best friend it was before beginning his trainee days, after they argued he walked away and before disappearing in the corner of the street he shouted frustrated.. 
"People love tragedies... if someday in the radio or programm you'll tell them how our friendship ended, they will love you like a god" he took his time to take a breath and control his anger "Use this to become even greater than you are now... your new friends will like it" each word was like an arrow filled with betrayal, pain and sadness, he overcome it after a long time, however... 

He couldn't afford to move his hands... at the beginning instinctively he moved his legs, but then everything slowed down... his heart rate too.. then he remembered how once in his childhood he heard the storie about an old man who drowned in the pond.. this man in his young age was a swimmer.. he was drunk back then.. this is why he drowned. All his senses were slower... this was happening to him too. 

And then... the funniest question came to him..

"Am I.. the lost one?" 

As a human you're more than lost. 
But somehow you can keep up with life... but this existence is empty, you're nothing more than a lifeless body floating on the surface of this world. You can just talk .. breath.. but this everything is without feeling and without any direction. You do this all automatically.. because you see everyone around you is acting like this.... you attach on your face a mask with the expression everyone would not be worried about and just ignores you. 

He now understood what was leading people to suicidal... the calm feeling, that comes closer and closer to your heart... it was really fine with him, he used to always say that he does not care. In the last moment of his breath... he regreted just one thing. Just one. 



The ground was hard. When he moved his hand he heard the rustle of paper... slowly tried to get up, but his bodie was heavier than he expected. The spinning feeling in his head was lighter, but it didn't meant that it was easier for him to focus... uneasy feeling come through his spine. If while living, some memories from the past felt like real ones... this place could be as well the place you go after death. All he remembered from before, was just cold water... 

He looked around from the lying position. White light struck his eyes, the whole place he was in seemed to be a room, black and white.. the windows where covered by black curtains. Big bed whith white and grey satin sheets made a comforting rumor under him... he took a deep breath.. certainly he was still dreaming, because he was sure that neither hell or heaven looked like this. Or maybe... everything that was after... was in the shape of something you desired? He carefully raised his hand, like he wanted to touch the ceiling... a warm feeling spilled over his body. He felt calm... so his conclusion was that he entered or one of two or the purgatory, that was supposed to clear him. But does he really bealived in any of this three? His sarcastic humor didn't disappeard even here... 

He decided to lift his body with all force, once he did this... he felt worse.. but he raised his eyes to one of the furniture standing in front of the bed. Something that was hanging above the furniture, was covered with a red clothe... he looked down at the photo tilted on the chair.. and his eyes widened.


*The picture does not belong to me. I just edited it a bit in order to illustrate a scene from the chapter. 

I hope you'll like it ! :3  

Leave something nice behind you <3 

IT WAS NOT ENOUGH... Chapter 5 - HER

The air near the river was colder... she stood there with bag filled with some snacks and a drink. The wind was blowing her hair in every direction... but this small confusion made her feel relieved. 

Looking into the tone of black water, bathed in dimmed lights of lanterns... made her think about this one, late night after one of the shootings.. when she met with him in a small storage room. She wasn't even sure what she wanted from him, but she was so angry.. so insulted.. her body under touch of other people was aching, like her skin was burning to protect her from any damage. But the curiosity of 'what if...' lead her into this situation and it was then when she realized that his touch was as soft and delicate as honey...

His body pressed against her... boxing her up agains the wall. His face was just a few inches away from her, and she just felt the hunger, licking her lips in expectation... he bit his lips while touching her naked arms observing his fingers. She lifted one of her hands to his face, studying patiently each detail... he took it off, kissed gently and.. like something unblocked him  -  he progressed to press himself closer to her, kissing her at first moment gently... but as she responded a bit harder, he accelerated . 

His lips attached tightly and vigorously to her... in passionate kisses, gently but rough in the same time... filled her thoughts. She still felt his touch on her body, the taste of his lips... and the feeling of how wrong it was in that time, made her feel that for both of them it was the only right thing. Thinking about this now... made her heart crack in pieces even more, because all this moments were gone now and nothing could bring them back to her arms. They used to break all possible rules made by their managers... dancing on the edge of their own madness, seeking for relief to their burdened minds and tired bodies, seeking for salvation from their own lifes. 

She turned her gaze from the surface... and slowly moved forward. Memories of this months made her even sadder than she already was... what exactly she wanted to do here? She smiled bitterly... lately it was the only way she was smiling, as she passed a few meters she realized that no one was there at this hour and this lifted her a bit up as she lifted her gaze ahead of her... she saw a man on the rocks with a bottle in his hand. She stopped in her post and looked in his direction... he danced on this rocks, jumping like crazy, after each move he was sipping happily his trunk... and just when she decided to quietly go into her direction, he screamed throwing the bottle into the distance... after a moment he fell into the water.

A shiver of panic ran over her back, she looked in both directions looking for someone who in her place would go and help... a drunk man in the water, was a sure death... but no one was near. 
- Fuck... - she muttered clinging her teeth, she threw her bag and took off the blouse... as fast as she could she get into the water, looking for sign but she didn't saw anything.... she dived with closed eyes and grabbed something into her hands after a second, as soon as she somehow managed to reach the surface... falling on rocks and pulling out the body on the riverside. She grabbed his back to turn him... 

Wet hair was all over his face... eyes closed and not moving chest... even knowing this all, she couldn't move, she just froze terryfied. Her hands started shaking when she was trying to touch his body... but she couldn't just take a breath, she felt like throwing out. But one thought run through her mind, and she knew she couldn't let this happend...  
- Please... wake up - she pressed his chest, her voice was cracking and squeezing ... she was forcing herself so much to keep pressing her hands. She turned her gaze at his face.. he looked just like, he leaved from under the  shower and went sleep. With both hands she embraced his face... 
- You can't ... you hear me? You just can't... - when she took of one of her hands to press his chest again she saw blood on her fingers... sticky fresh blood. She felt like just now she can leave this damn world... - If you won't wake up... - she mourned through her teeth - If you won't... - pressing his chest, making mouth-to-mouth respiration... desperately trying to make him wake up.. made her realize something she thought wasn't true before. 

She wanted to see him... but after what happend that one day, she just couldn't look into his face. She didn't appeared anymore on the shootings... feeling disgusted of her body, personality .. she took everything on her. She felt... dirty.. and whether she was trying to clean this from her skin, nothing... nothing... helped. 

She pressed her head to his lifeless body...
- Yoongi... - she let out a quiet cry, her heart was racing so fast that she felt like her breath goes away...

*Pictures does not belong to me. Credits to the right owners ;) 

Leave something after you ! 


P.S. I really love the new album of BTS - Love Yourself : Answer <3
It's a whole new bible to the sad, hurt and powerless ones.
They really spoke out ... 

I am so proud 

#Love_Yourself
#Love_Myself #Thank_You_BTS <3

IT WAS NOT ENOUGH... Chapter 4 - He

     Wandering on the streets at late hours was something that helped him at least not feel so heavy... soon it become his hobbie, but nothing was changing the fact that he would prefer to stay in his bed as long as it would be possible, but he couldn't stand the feeling that everyone around the dorm are checking on him if he is still alive. 

He wasn't depressed... just something happened and he had no idea how he can end this freezing feeling of losing something really important and other feelings that had unknow names. 

He knew he was famous, he knew he had an image to keep on a certain level... but this night he just wanted to rest and drink, he risked it all for this small things. He was walking on the street close the the river with his jacket in one hand and a bottle of whisky in other... even thought he got one of strongest whisky it still seemed to be too weak. The bottle was white, and this reminded him... of that day... 

     He wanted just to be alone, but the photoshoot planned by his company was settled for this day from a long time and they couldn't do nothing to change the date... he pushed himself to move to the studio, then with others he headed to the shoot location. At the place, after polite greetings to the stuff members, he saw their compan for the photoshoot... weird feeling runned through his spine... he was amazed by how tiny and beautiful she was, but the first thing he though was "How nice would be to get rid of this damn white material covering her body" and the exactly same moment she turned into their direction... the first one to say anything to her was Namjoon, politely greeting her and saying how happy he is that they will work together. Others came closer to introduce themselves... and even thought she had nice make-up on her face, he saw her left cheek was more red then the other. While making an eye contact, touching her hand and automatically introducing "I am SUGA" he realized her dark eyes, light of reflectors dancing on her cheeks and full lips. 

He hated the idea of this photoshoot, because he had to do this even thought he said already to the company that he won't come out to the lights for a while... but after a few days the idea of going there and seeing her working made him gain more will to do this. He was observing her, and she was observing him... he caught himself on looking for her anytime he was waiting for others to finish their job. Manager warned him to not look at her in the way he did, but he just continued this... at times he was sure she wasn't aware of it. Other time, when he was observing J-Hope posing with Jimin, she came closer handing him a cup of coffee... he moved slowly his eyes from her hand at her face...  she looked a bit dark, her eyes didn't have this sparkle as before, she kind of was like a ship after a long, long sail. He couldn't get the whole change on her face, this is why he stared at her a bit too long... then took the coffee and looked away, she sat next to him.. drinking her coffee calmly. Their first meeting run through his mind... her cheek.. he let out a sight, no one knew how much he desired for some things, she was one of them, but he had no idea if his action would not hurt her and him as well at the end. 
- What's that for? - he observed her. She shrugged her shoulders, it looked like she does not care at all if he wanted this or not... for a second he had no idea if he wasn't mistaken.. then she looked at him, suddenly stood up and leaned over him dangerously close, grabbing his hand with her thing, cold fingers.
- If you don't want this... I can take it back - he tried to read through her intensions, and all he saw was a small movemet of her waist. It took a moment for him to overthink his decision... but he didn't changed his mind. He tried this coffe she give him... it was bitter, but good in the same way as the sweet ones he once used to drink. He knew he will regret this decision, but he finally looked into her eyes.. to decline her favor..
- I am not in a good condition for this kind of things... - he hoped it is enough to make her just go, because the temperature in his body was rising every second she was holding his hand.. 
- You mean drinking coffee? - her sweet voice wasn't helping him to stay untouched. 
- For what you're doing..
- And what exactly I am doing? - she played like her hand slipped from the chair on his tight... he had to take a really deep breath to not to pull her closed to him right there, even for a moment she didn't looked away in order to check if someone is observing them, fortunetely he choosed a perfect place where almost no one have seen them.
- I am not allowed to do anything.. you too.. stop then - he really wished he could not say that, but he feeled like if he won't do this, the whole earth will stop existing.. he just needed to warn himself her too, just to act polite like an animal, he tried to convince himself, that he has no need to proceed with this situation... but her stare was so..
- I thought.. that rules exist to break them... - she leaned closed, passing her fingers through his arm, reaching his neck... he had no strenght to say 'no' anymore.. he let her get close. 

He passed really close to one of the trees near the river almost crushing on it... the bottle slipped from his hand, but safaly not crushed on the path. He took it again in his hand... and looking at the white.. he laughed to himself.
- Oh yeah... we broke all rules that were there.. still laughing he started to walk again, from one to the other side of the path.

Do you like it ? If yes... 

Show some support and leave a comment! <3 

Hello there ! It's your writer Yennefeer here. 

I was aware for a while that there was a problem with a comment section. What I mean by that? Well.. the com. section required to have a Google Chrome account before to leave a comment.

BUT NOW... 

I have changed today some settings which should make easier to leave comments. You can do it anonimously or add your name.

HOW TO LEAVE A COMMENT ?

Under every post.. there is written "no comments" you can click it and then will appear a comment section, the rest should be easy :)

Like that :D 

Thank you for attention ! We'll see in the comment section next time ! <3 

IT WAS NOT ENOUGH... Chapter 3 - Her

She woke up late at night, seemed like she slept... but her eyes were causing her pain, she rubbed them.. sat and saw extremely strong rain outside the window. From there it looked like all the rain drops were falling into a black hole... even thought she didn't touched alcohol this day, she still felt like she was going through a small hangover. 

She left her bed... and stopped for a second, everything was spinning... she looked outside and she didn't knew if she took something before sleep or it was just because she felt anxious, but she also had an imagination that she is not alone here. She looked around and realized that this apartment was more empty than ever... it was weird for her, she knew she has something not right with the head but at the same time she was feeling normal. She rubbed her eyes once more... it felt like she had sand under her eyelids. The feeling of not being alone was getting stronger... so she decided to go outside in the middle of the night. 

Black hoodie, jeans dark shorts and the only pair of shoes she truly liked - red trainers. She took her phone, headphones and some money... having a plan to buy some snacks and go to visit Han river. 

When she was passing by every street, lights seemed to fade away more and more... like the night was consuming every amount of light. Suddenly she remembered this photo that her ex-friend Steph send on the group. Sa Nyo stopped in the middle of an empty, narrow street and opened her galery of photos. She deleted everything, but this photo remained in "Unknown" folder... his shirtless body and this damn hoodie she had on her right now. 

He was... one of not many good things that happened to her. A few months ago in the days when she was strong enough to be herself... she got a job as a model in an photoshoot with one of the most famous kpop groups. She wasn't a fan of them or of any other group, but for the sake of their collaboration... she forced herself to check some stuff about them. 

Mostly... she read how talented and amazing they were. All seven members... BBAMs... big collaborations. She listened to some of their songs... and she thought too - that they are something! She couldn't help but just feel excited to see them on her own eyes... but.. she was expecting also a wave of hateful fans after the photoshoot her agency planned for her. At The day of work... she wore a white dress. Waited under her house for the manager to get her... wait.. no. It wasn't her house... she focused more... to realize that the house from which she went out that day was a property of her boyfriend from that time.. she also remember a taste in her mouth, a taste of steel.. she smiled bitterly to herself. 

This man was one of the reasons of who she become... he couldn't get the idea of her working as a model, posing and letting another man (also girls...) to touch her body or look at her all the day. He thought that she is a strip model or sometimes mentioned that she makes some extra-staff for her manager and boss to get good propositions. 

That day for the first time... he slapped her in the face, the taste she felt in her mouth.. was blood. She took her things and left his house... but before going on the street she forced a bright smile. "Why don't you seat here?" asked her manager showing the seat next to him... she couldn't hold back anymore her tears, she just told him to drive.. so he did..

She moved from the street ... passed a few good looking houses and visited a small shop, bought snacks and realized her phone was vibriting without stopping... someone was calling, but whoever it was they could be sure she won't respond. 

She worked with the group everyday from a few to a lot hours a day... and couldn't help just to get along with them. Each of them was nice.. and unique in some ways. Humble Namjoon. Sweet Jimin. Sassy Taehyung. Nice Jin. Always positive and energetic J-Hope. Kind Jungkook and finally always silent Suga. He looked like he wished to be somewhere else everytime he had to go and pose...
She approached him with coffe one day and sat next to him in silence.. 
- What's that for? - she shrugged her shoulders smiling lightly. He was observing her for a bit, then she turned her gaze on him, stood up and  leaned over him, grabbing a paper cup of coffee, embracing his hand.
- If you don't want this... I can take it back? - intense stare he gave her, made her feel something between chills and unhealthy excitement...